10:49AM Natalie and I were talking about her counts. We hadn't heard what they were today. I was hesitant, because I had prayed that her counts were going to be 50 yesterday, 250 today, and 500 Friday. Her counts were 10 on Monday and 30 on Tuesday, so I figured they could reach 50 by Wednesday. If they kept climbing, we could go home Friday or Saturday! That didn't happen. Her counts dropped to 10 yesterday, so I was pretty bummed.
When I asked her today what she thought her counts were, she said 100. I was afraid and I told Natalie, "I'm afraid to believe, because I don't want to be disappointed again."
Natalie's simple response: "I'm not afraid to believe. God can do anything." Out of the mouths of babes. . .
Tracy, the nurse walked in seconds later. Natalie burst out and asked what her counts were. 400. I was still afraid to believe. I said slowly, skeptically, "They must be 40." I felt terrible, because I was such a wet blanket. Tracy left and checked again. Natalie told me I'd better start packing. I got the suitcase out guiltily. When Tracy returned, she said that Natalie's counts were 10 yesterday and 400 today. Whoa. I almost started crying. I told Tracy about my prayer yesterday.
We called Tammy and told her the good news, both about Natalie's counts and her faith. Tammy was super happy. We chatted a bit and hung up. Moments later, the doctors came in, making their rounds. They said her counts were 40. I was disappointed, but I knew that was much more likely. Tracy was still in the room, checking Natalie's lines. She looked mortified. I told her not to worry about it, because at least the counts are going up.
After they left, Tracy raced out to check the computer again. She returned and apologized profusely. She had looked at the wrong line on the computer; Natalie's white blood cell counts were at 400, but her ANCs were only at 10. After Tracy left, I talked to Natalie a bit and asked if she was mad at Tracy or at God. "A little bit," she replied, then went back to playing on her DS.
Me? I'm a little disappointed, but I'm more disappointed in my lack of faith and my cowardice. It can hurt to believe, but am I doing more damage by not believing?